Freehold, Iowa - A Christian mother in the Landover Baptist Community was left absolutely devastated this weekend, and her teenage daughter is under 24-hour suicide watch at the Landover Hospital for the Saved. All of these terrible things happened because a naughty little teenage girl refused to listen her parents and ran off with her friends to see the terrible, hateful, anti-Christian film, Twilight.
Mrs. Jean Reynolds and her husband, Larry were sitting in the living room with the lights turned off when their daughter, Cindy May arrived home 15-minutes after curfew last Saturday night. "She took off her Veggie Tales™ sneakers at the door and tippy-toed quietly into the living room," said her mother. "When we heard her approach, my husband, Larry, snapped on the lights and yelled, 'Cindy May! Where in the sweet name of Jesus have you been, you little liar! It's 8:15!' Well, Cindy May was just so shocked, she started weeping uncontrollably. The Holy Ghost convicted her right there on the living room floor!" continued Mrs. Reynolds. "She ran up to her daddy, threw her arms around him and confessed, 'I didn't go to Bible study, Daddy! I didn't! My friend Martha, from our Special Educations class tricked me and made me see the movie, Twilight with her unsaved friends!'"
"Larry Reynolds looked his daughter in the eye," Pastor Deacon Fred told the congregation on Sunday morning. "He grabbed her by the hair, dragged her to the basement door and threw her down the steps. 'I'll deal with you in a minute, you rebellious, ugly little whore!' he yelled, and then slammed the door." Pastor Deacon Fred paused for a moment from behind the pulpit, and looked out over the congregation with a tear forming in his eye. Then he asked the question. "Is this the sort of behavior we tolerate in our Christian homes?" The congregation unanimously responded "NO!"
"Mr. Reynolds spanked his ugly teenage daughter over her naked hind side with a King James Bible until she stopped crying, and the only words that came out of her lips before she lost consciousness were, 'I'm sorry, Daddy - I'm sorry I let you down. May Jesus forgive me.'" said Pastor. "Her Godly parents waited two hours for Cindy to think about what she had done to embarrass the family before they called the police. When authorities finally arrived, they found little Cindy had managed to break both of her legs and was in a state of shock. Her bottom was so sore, she couldn't sit down. Jean and Larry Reynolds were both in tears, holding each other in the living room. Cindy was taken to the Trauma Ward at the Landover Hospital for the Saved and her parents were taken to church authorities for questioning and prayer.
"When I learned that Cindy Reynolds lied to her parents in order to attend a Picture House where this vampire movie, Twilight, was showing, I called the theater owner and had him shut down the show," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "And this trash will not be showing in any theater within a 100 square mile radius of Freehold, Iowa - so help me God! One little girl who wants to commit suicide after seeing this movie is enough for this town to handle!" Pastor continued. "And if it were not for her loving parents waiting up after curfew, and their diligent response, little Cindy might have come home after seeing Twilight that evening and done something awful to herself! She might have killed herself to become a vampire!" Pastor yelled.
"We all know that Cindy May is not one of the most attractive girls in this Church," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "That' doesn't mean she is loved any less than any other unattractive girl! Christian parents with unattractive teenage daughters should take heed that Twilight is a film that is driving ugly ducklings into fits of primal lust," he warned. "This movie preys on little unwanted girls, who can count the number of friends they have on one finger! And this is just plain sad! These young ladies need to be told they have a future! There are plenty of things they can do to better this world behind the scenes where they won't be seen in public. Twilight suggests they should end their lives and become vampiresses to spend eternity with handsome vampire gentlemen who don't care how unsightly a young gal is to look upon! Twilight is hitting America's poor teenage Christian girls in their heart strings, promising them the gift of eternal life with no social concerns! It is a perversion of the story of Christ.
Landover Baptist has already received over 5,000 e-mails from American Christian families who have experienced similar incidents like poor little Cindy May. Send us yours, as we gather these American horror stories and present our case to Congress. God willing, Federal authorities will invoke an act where we can take every book, movie, and ungodly item relating to the Twilight series, pitch them into a great big pile and burn them in a bonfire. "The smoke of this great fire, will be kindled from the flames of America's repentance!" Pastor Deacon Fred explains. "It will reach forth to the very Heavens! Unto the nostrils of the Living God! Glory! And all praise be to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, that His will be done, and our obedience be honored in regard to passing restrictive laws concerning the movie, Twilight before it causes Christian families more pain and suffering."
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I met Edward Furlong in July...BUT OMG OMG OMG.